Give me a job you cowards
Had a bit of a rough few weeks recently, what with turning 40, it being a decade since I graduated University, and the fact that since then I managed to get invited to a grand total of four Job interviews, only one of them being for a job I was actually genuinely interested in. In general it feels like the more I want a specific job, the less likely it is for me to actually get it.
You would imagine that I'd be used to it by now, but getting an outright rejection for a job, I was excited and believed I was qualified for, still hurts a lot. I've been trying to figure out why exactly this feels so unfair to me, and I think a large part here comes down to the fact that getting a rejection without any chance to either explain, or proof myself, feels like the person on the other end of that process doesn't believe me.
I just sit there with someone else telling me "I don't believe what you're telling me about yourself is true" and have to live with it.
This feels insulting to me on two levels:
- First of all, it feels like someone else is telling me that I'm lying to them.
- Second, I have no tools at my disposal to disprove them.
I had similar experiences like this back in school and also (to a lesser degree) at University and in all of those cases, I had the space and the time to just show that person that their perception of me was wrong and that my own assessment was correct. I don't have those means when I apply for a job. I cannot show up at a museum, or a games company and just start working there.
I just have to accept their decision, sit there and blame myself for not doing a better job at explaining myself. Then every six months or so, I get to talk to a person at the welfare office who then berates me on why I'm still unemployed and that I should be more proactive, with the ever looming (but never mentioned) threat of sanctioning me, should I not comply.
The blame always falls back on me: I'm not doing enough, I'm not writing good applications, I'm not qualified, I'm not a good fit, I'm lazy, I'm too selective, I'm bad explaining myself, I'm bad at first impressions, I am worthless.
Ten years, ten years of this and at no point do I get a chance to disprove any of it. I just have to take it and move on. Every single time.
Let me tell you, it's really fun when you already have self-esteem issues to then try and deal with this kind of bullshit. I know how to navigate past these rejections and find motivation to keep going, but it's exhausting, I'm tired of it, but I also refuse to be declared worthless.
Give me a job you cowards.